Venting

Aug. 9th, 2015 03:40 pm
amypond45: (Wet Sam)
Just finished my fic for [livejournal.com profile] spnopera and I'm in agony. This is torture, I say, PURE torture! Why did I do this to myself? How can I write something with such a blatantly sad ending? I always try to leave things open-ended, the possibility just beyond the end of the story that maybe, MAYBE this time, something good will come out of the pain and sorrow and TRAGEDY of these boys' lives! This was supposed to be FUN, damn it! Now everybody's gonna hate me when they read it and I don't blame them. Me too! Wahhhhhh!

This is NOT anyone's fault but my own, needless to say; the wonderful mods of this challenge are fabulous people and extremely talented writers, so I have only myself to blame for my own misery. I hope I've learned my lesson and next time I'll choose a comedy (Marriage of Figaro, maybe?) I just like the aria so much and I couldn't resist the thing with the hair *sigh*. I'm doomed.
amypond45: (Default)
Finished! Story complete at 55K words (WHAT THE HELL!) so now it's time to edit and proof and LET GO. Wahhh! I swear it's like giving up a kid or something! I just don't want to leave these babies! But I have to believe they'll be fine, all will be well, etc. because it's all I can do. I have to be a responsible adult and move on to the next project. I HAVE TO!

This story has such a deep, emotional effect on me, I can't possibly explain it. I read FANGASM and Fandom at the Crossroads and it doesn't quite explore how deeply the individual person is effected by this story -- for me, it's as much a PERSONAL journey as a desire for community that hooks me so deeply. I've spent a year on my own, mostly, with this fandom -- writing, writing, writing -- because I feel I HAVE TO EXPRESS what the Winchesters' story makes me feel, whether anyone reads what I write or not.

But of course I'm human, and so I'm a social animal, and the need to connect -- to make my story matter and count for something -- brings me to communities like this one and the wonderful people I'm meeting through LJ and tumblr (how sad is it that I have NO ONE in my personal life who understands how important this story is?) and so in the end Lyn and Katherine are right, of course.

So here I am, finishing my first SPN challenge, joining this amazing fandom despite my innate shyness and introverted nature. So grateful, so humbled, so ridiculously excited!

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amypond45

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